Now that I had some sleep and got some food in my system, I’ll tell you guys about my adventure last night.

TL;DR: Went to a ~gentlemen’s club for the first time. Although I spent the least amount of money out of my friends, I got the most attention from the strippers. Apparently they liked my tights and thought I was cute ;)

My friend Tejas was stuck being 5th wheel at Honors College Ball (prom 2.0), so my friend Halacy decided that he would ~brighten the situation by taking him to a strip club after dinner was served. Knowing my love of breasts, he invited me to tag along. Since Halacy and I didn’t buy tickets to the ball, we met up at the Holiday Inn where it was taking place, retrieved Tejas, and took a taxi to Admiral Theatre.

Being the stand up guy that he is, Halacy covered the cab fare, our admission into the club, and drinks. Since it was early, we managed to get seats front and center of the stage. We took out our wallets and sat there tipping for an hour or so. When picking up the singles I put down, a bunch of strippers complimented me on my tights and said I was cute, so that was an unexpected ego boost. 

From there we moved to a table that was a few feet from the stage. Halacy covered my first lap dance, as well as Tejas’, just as he’d promised. But because my girl had wasn’t hugely endowed (which wasn’t even a problem for me), he also covered my second one, and specifically waved over a girl who had boobs the size of my head. From that point on, I couldn’t wipe the cheesy grin off my face; I was on cloud nine of Boobland. Then just as luck had it, Serenity (my favorite stage act) came over to our table. Tejas tuned down a dance because he’d already dropped a bunch of money, so I swooped in and she danced for me instead. Words can’t describe how hot she was. She looked straight out of Front Magazine. Sweetening the deal, I got a kiss on the cheek and a few compliments thrown in too.

When a girl named Isis was on stage, Halacy pointed her out and said that she was one of the best because “she just takes off her clothes and shows you she can jiggle.” She caught my attention because she looked like a curvier Sasha Grey. She owned the fucking stage and looked like she was having the time of her life. Eventually she made her rounds on the floor and came over to our table because she noticed Halacy watching her on the pole. Isis offered him a dance, then turned her attention toward me and added, “…Or your lady friend. I could dance for her. Can I dance for you?” Realizing that he lost the battle, Halacy sent Isis my way, and HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT. She had her hands all over me and practically had me motorboating boobs. When it came time to pay for my dance, Halacy covered it. Before she left, Isis said that she liked my legs and said that I could make a killing as a stripper. Plus I got a kiss on the cheek. After she left, Halacy admitted that he was jealous because I smelled like Isis. (He also said that Serenity was across the room looked pissed as she watched my lap dance.)

We hung out for a few more hours, watched a lesbian dominatrix show onstage, and continued admiring the female form until around 3:30.

I went to sleep with an obnoxious grin on my face, and woke up this morning with a new found appreciation for pretty girls.